For the last few months due to Coronavirus and Quarantine, I have not had any opportunity or reason to post anything here in my blogs page and so it’s been quiet. I’ve tried mostly to just use this to keep notes on my shows and share with people who read them so that they know what I’m up to and what I’m doing, I have a few friends who are unable to come see me perform due to distance, budget or maybe they just don’t like going out, so it’s been a nice way to keep in touch and let people know about the shows I do.
It’s also been a way for me to remember the shows too, sometimes I like to check when I tried a new bit that failed or succeeded, and sometimes I have a memory of a show I want to share for whatever reasons, either I had something happen that I wasn’t part of my performance or maybe something happened afterwards and this is a way for me to look back and remember what happened.
I miss having something to say, I know a lot of my friends are posting things online, they’re doing comedy for zoom audiences or Facebook Live, or they’re creating video projects that they can play online. That’s not something I’m comfortable doing, I’m so dependant on audience reaction that I have trouble posting something and not knowing if its going to work or not. Especially a video. I have enough issues with my self esteem that I know I don’t like watching myself on video, I used to enjoy watching myself on TV, when I was 15 I used to have a show on local cable with my friends where we pretended to be popular bands performing on a rock variety show and I probably watched that 100 times when it was on video. I still have a copy of it. But in the last few years I have no desire to see what I’m doing on screen. I watch it to make sure it’s not horrible and then I never watch it again. I know a lot of comedians record the videos of their sets so they can see what they did wrong or right and improve their sets. I only record the audio because I don’t want to see what I look like performing, because some of what I do is somewhat silly looking and I prefer not to see what I look like doing that because I know it would make me too self conscious about my looks to perform properly, I think for myself I would rather be happy doing what makes people laugh and not having to judge myself on how I look doing it, because believe me I will be doing exactly that if I do.
Personally, I have taken the time to work on myself during this time, I’m trying to be a better person and better to myself, and to that end I’ve finished a self help book called “No More Mr. Nice Guy” which has helped me with who I am. For anyone reading this who knows me, don’t worry that it means I’m going to be an asshole from now on, because that’s not what the book is about. The book is more about who I am as a person, and why I don’t get what I want in life because I’m too nice, and how to be nice but not a pushover. One of the interesting things that came out of reading this book is the understanding that I try not to fight with anyone or piss them off because I’m worried about being abandoned or losing a friend, which I think ties in to my low self esteem.
If I think about it, part of that might have come from having moved a few times when I was a boy, I was never a very confident person growing up, and making friends when you’re shy is hard to do, so when I would make a friend and then move far away to another place you tend to lose that friend and have to start over again, so any friends I did make I didn’t want to lose, so I probably tended to put up with crap just so they’d continue to be my friend, and that probably carried on to relationships, I don’t want you to leave me so I won’t do anything to piss you off so you’ll stay, and that means you’ll either take advantage of me and I’ll be miserable, or you’ll leave because I’ve got no spine and I’ll be miserable. So realistically, why am I doing that? I’m miserable either way so why not just be happy with who I am and live my life and if you want to leave, then you leave, and I’ll just be happy with me.
One thing that has bugged me is people saying to me “Carey, just because you’re a nice guy doesn’t mean women owe you anything”, which is true, being nice doesn’t mean someone should sleep with me or date me, but I’ve never said I’m a nice guy and I don’t think I’m a nice guy, that’s what other people have called me and that’s their name they’ve given me. I personally hate being called a nice guy because with my low self esteem I haven’t thought I was worthy of such a title, and I’ve never considered it right for me because my brain has always said to me “If they knew who you really were they’d hate you.” And for years that’s been how I’ve seen myself, so saying I think women owe me anything doesn’t make sense, If anything I’ve looked at it that anytime a woman gives me any attention is a bonus, because I haven’t expected it. Going forwards, I will continue to respect women and their opinions, but I’m not going to agree with it just because I want to be with someone, I’m going to be me and keep my beliefs. And if you’re some creepy Incel person who thinks that women owe you something, you need to take a long look at yourself. If women you ask out turn you down, its not because they have an agenda to keep you from being with someone, it’s because they’re not interested, and they don’t have to be. Work on yourself instead of getting together and deciding that women are all bitches because they wont’ sleep with you.
A while ago I got into some trouble because of something I said, basically I tried to say something positive to someone because I didn’t like that they put themselves down, and that upset them because what I said came out as creepy and not complimentary. I’ve since learned that sometimes it’s best to be supportive but not the way I did. For the most part, I’ve learned that when I compliment someone, it’s because I am sort of looking for someone to compliment me, so in future, instead of complimenting everyone else, I will keep those words and say what I want to myself. Hell, I deserve to compliment myself because I’ve done some pretty sweet things and I should be proud, so why not?
I am hoping that in the next two months things will start to return to normal, and I’ll be able to perform in public again, and if that happens I’ll update the calendar on this website and I’ll keep the blogs updated on my shows, so that’s my promise to you. This will be what I do.
Thanks for reading if you did, and I hope you all continue to keep well and safe.